Uncomfortable Change

What is one waiting for? Another day? Another year? Another person? Another lifetime? It does not make sense to me to wait on your own life, understand the phases of life, know what is to come, and anticipate it. Aren't you wasting everything else that is happening around you? What are you waiting for?

I recently attended two workshops by the same person who talked about the now. Here and now. Forget the past. Forget the future. What is happening right now? What could be happening right now? You have absolute control of right now.

She said living in an uncomfortable state is a good place to be. It means you are changing- or at least are experiencing change.

I feel like I have been living in constant change for almost two years. (Really, as you know, everyone is always living in a state of constant change- provided you are living in the now.) But truly the last two years of my life have existed for change. And to be frank I am tired of it. I am seeking stability.

YIKES!!! RUN!!!

I actually do way better with change than with stagnation, hence such a dramatic move from Iowa to Alaska. But after going through such a tremendous change, in landscape, in physic, in atmosphere, in culture and life, I want to say ENOUGH! I am through with this changing period. It is hard. I am tired, and I'm alone.

I know how hard it must be for everyone in the United States to understand what it is like to live here. I only feel like I am actually grasping the full picture. It is not bad, don't get me wrong. Alaska has many, many wonderful things about it. But what you hear is true. It is a pioneer state. Living here isolates you from the entire world. The rest of your country-they don't get it. The other countries- they don't care (especially when they see what a fuck-up job the rest of the U.S. is.- frankly, I don't blame them-NOTE: topic for rainy day) The rest of the world, for the most part, leave Alaska alone, which is pretty much why most people are here.

I have to say I underestimated my friends back home and how much of a part of me they are. I knew it when I left. That was a hard day. But since then, it has been so easy to only look forward- what was out there? I have discovered a lot of things about this world I never could have in Iowa, and one of those really is how much I love and cherish my friends. My familiar friends. Does anyone know what the meaning of friendship is? I have reason to believe only Iowans do. Maybe the British.

I am trying to talk myself out of this. It can't be true that only Iowans are capable of actually caring for each other. Where are my peeps?

The point here is that change is constant, and it is uncomfortable. When does one get to a point when one cannot stand to be uncomfortable and sacrifice the change? Or is it possible to change without being uncomfortable? Maybe slower. I am seeing a theme here. I am getting it. Take this life slow. How else? Time ticks at the same speed no matter how much one frets and sweats and works and works. Time ticks the same. Maybe the old tale of the jackrabbit and turtle is an appropriate reference here. (For visuals, I tired to upload a great picture of baby Sam imitating a turtle, but it didn't work. I'll try later- it's a great pic.)

Update: for some reason that particular photo won't load, so here is another equally adorable one.

Is the destination and determination of one's advancement in this world based upon how one processes life? Every experience, conversation, thought, situation is perceived differently by each individual, and the outcome of that experience, conversation, thought, and situation is the rate of which it is processed. That makes utter sense to me. Is finding all the answers the end? Then what are we seeking if the answer to every question brings us closer to the truth, and ultimately to the death?

By the way: Happy 4/20