How to Make A Beautiful Life

a birthday card from my parents:

Reflections For a Daughter

On Her Birthday

Love yourself.

MAKE PEACE with who you are

and where you are

at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.

If you can't hear what it's saying

in this noisy world,

MAKE TIME for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.

Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.

Take chances.

MAKE MISTAKES.

Life can be messy

and confusing at times,

but it's also full of surprises.

The next rock in your path

might be a stepping stone.

Be happy.

When you don't have what you want,

want what you have.

MAKE DO.

That's a well - kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.

To know where you're going

is only part of it.

You need to know where you've been too.

And if you ever get lost, don't worry.

The people who love you will find you.

Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.

It's what you do with time

and with all the goodness and grace

that's inside you.

MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...

The kind of life

you deserve.

- Hallmark

"Oh my goodness this card just screamed "Mindy" to me! We love you so much! Have a great day! Wish we were there!!!

Mom and Tom

The love of generosity and friends overwhelms me. Thank you for a very special birthday.

Wynonna Concert II

A Post for the Kids

Today I went to a Sunday afternoon candle party a co-worker was holding at her house. As I looked around the room, I noticed two women were pregnant and the other three had at least one child. For a split second, I was intimidated, thinking: "What do I have in common with any of these women?" And then the answer came to me in the form of images of the children that are in my life. I thought I would give them credit for opening my eyes to a new world and perspective on life.

Miss Lindz (Lindsay Harper)

The daughter of my sister, my first niece and is a delightful young lady who is always on the go! She is four years old, I think..almost five. Lindsay is very much a Gartner with her sharp tounge, energy, and stubbornness.

In her classes, I can tell the other kids look up to her and consider her a leader.

Every time I talk to Lindz, I ask her about coming to Alaska. She is crazy about the idea. I keep telling her to save her money and I will save her a sled dog. I look forward to the day she gets to see Alaska- I know she will love it.

Lindsay has an old, kindred heart I adore. I am so grateful for the love and spirit she brings into our family.

Sam the Man

Sam may very well be one of the most kind, understanding, dramatic, wild and absolutely adorable kid I have ever known. The love Sam has for the world around him is so heartwarming. He is the son of Jessica (Springer) and Matt Duncan. I feel so very blessed the Duncans allow me to be an extension of their family.

Sam keeps it real and demands attention when in a room. He deserves what he gets, too, cause if for one moment you don't pay attention, he will be off to something new and probably dangerous.

I love his sense of adventure and willingness to try anything in the spirit of good fun. Sam's the Man and any time I get to see him is always a splendid treat!

Carley Barikman

Carley is the daughter of Sommer and Casey Barikman, who are close friends of mine from Ames, Iowa. They have since moved to Tennesee, so I stay connected with the Barikman's through phone and email.

Carley seems to me to be a happy three year old (I think she's three!). I know she is in awe of her mother and is always asking for her advice already!

Ki (pronounced KYE)

Ki was once a roommate of mine. I haven't seen her in a while, but this was a picture of her on her fifth (I think) birthday last year.

Ki is a very smart young lady, who has good manners for the most part and loves everything Princess. Afterall, he is one herself. She has a unique talent of creating incredible stories about Princesses and Fairylands. I always enjoy her stories and her laughter.

Brenna

This is the daughter of Ms. Elizabeth (Roghair) Becker. Although I haven't spent lots of time with Ms. Brenna, I know that she is one loved little girl. The last time we met was Christmas 2007 and she was quite defiant in her demeanor.

She has a beautiful smile that resembles her mother's.

Johnny Herr

While I have have yet to meet Johnny, it has been a pleasure to see him grow through his parent's pictures. Tim and Tandy Herr are friends from high school, and are very close with the Duncans. Tim and Tandy have had a rough go of it lately, since Tim has been very sick the last year with Crones Disease (I think).

I have never seen a picture where Johnny wasn't smiling and with two great people as his parents, I can understand why.

I thought it may be weird to post all the pictures of the kids from work, but it is very cool to watch them grow and hear what they are up to from their loving parents. They also contribute to my personal Enlightenment from Children:

Jacob- Is the son of sales co-worker, MaryAnn. Jacob has bright carrot top red hair and is talker and a flirt! I wouldn't have guessed any different with a Supermommy like MaryAnn!

Jerek- Brooke's son is the bad ass of the group. In no time, I bet he will be riding around in motorcycles, picking up chicks, and known for having the "coolest parents in town."

AJ- Cat's son is a well mannered, somewhat shy four (?) year old. He likes to idolize his dad and negociate with his mom. I hear he is pretty good at closin' the deals, too!

Toby- Toby is the kind of kid that makes you want to have a baby. Um, I can't believe I just said that (just using it as reference- that's all. This statement in no way insinuates that I want to have children any time in the near future...) But with a kid like this, it just seems so easy. Toby is always smiling and playing and is just learning now how to move around. It won't be long until he is walking around! He is the son of Jen and Erik.

Aubry and Megan- the Heartbreak girls. They remind me of my sister and I growing up. They are close in age, fight like enemies, and are equally hard to keep them apart. They got personality and aren't afraid to use it!

What incredible people and what an incredible experience to watch these lives develop in front of my very own eyes! With fairly little context, self-realization, awareness, and reason, these guys keep it all in perspective.

Of course, my perspective is a dainty one. I get to see these guys mostly when they are happy, engaged, and having a good day. What I don't get to see as much is the challenges they constantly pose for their parents. I find it comical because I can. I feel fortunate to be able to do so, and am very conscious of my lucky position as the fun Older Person outside looking in. I admire the parental abilities of all of their parents, and sincerely believe they are the heros of today.

Being around any of these children and their families make me want to be a better person, and a better role model. Being around any of them fill my heart with much happiness and joy.

Home, Home on the Range

So I made it home and back again. I was so excited to be back on my own stomping grounds, back to the places where all my firsts happened in Creston, Iowa: my first broken heart, my first drink, my first home. As well as my second home, in Ames, Iowa- where I went to college, and made friends who would soon spread across the entire nation. With all the anticipation of coming home, smelling the familiar smells of the Midwest, and seeing the familiar grounds of Iowa, I forgot about one thing.

That eventually you have to say goodbye to it all again.

This lesson was pretty evident from the very beginning of the trip. Christmas is such a crazy time for people. Pressures mount around the holiday, gifts here, gifts there, family here, friends there. So many people are cramming in so many activities that soon I felt caught up in the whirlwind of it all.

I loved every minute of it. For days afterward I was still digesting the coversations I had with lost acquaintances, classmates from high school, sisters from my sorority. Life is evident still. It does go on. Mine, yours, everyone's. Even people who were still doing exactly the same thing at the same time everyday were still living in the experiences of everyone else around them.

There are so many wonderful memories I made during this trip that will last me a lifetime.

Of course, every trip has it's own personality and no matter how much you plan for it, things always end up a little differently than expected. For instance, I ended up being sick for a majority of the time. I dunno- some virus that tore apart my insides and made me feel like I was peeing out my ass- then a few days later turned it up a notch to the inside of my head and nose. The plane ride home is vaguely rememberable. Ah, who wants to remember plane rides, anyway-right?

No doubt the trip went fast, as I knew it would. I knew going into it what a precious opportunity it was to see and be a part of the lives again I used to know so well. In turn, I wanted to share a new part of myself that I have found while in Alaska, a part I am not so sure I could explain so well. I learned quickly though, that this trip really wasn't about me, but about the people who have shaped and molded me- the people I come from.

Afterall, that was the intent of my trip. That was what I was longing so much for. I wanted to be back amongst the people who knew me "back when", who could recall incredible encounters with the law, and breaking the law, that I guess I inteded to forget, and successfully did. I loved seeing everyone and had an amazing time with every person I met.

I realized, though, amongst all the celebration and laughs, that this is a place I used to belong when I used to be a fraction of the person I am now, and as I write this, I realize that these places will be places I always will belong, in a fraction.

How grateful I am to be able to look back with affection and fondness of the people I grew up with and the experiences I had with them. How fortunate I am to have such generous and caring people who will offer anything for my comfort, who appreciate my own choices and journeys in this life, who love me no matter where I am or what I look like.

Below are a few of the pictures I cherished while being home- there are so many. Coming back to Alaska, I brought with me the warm spirit of the Midwest that I love so much and cherish deeply as a part of who I am and what is ultimatly the most important to me. The people that surround me throughout this life are without a doubt the top tier of human beings.

To everyone in Alaska who helped me get there, and everyone in Iowa who helped me get back, thank you, I love you, and I cherish my friendships with each of you more than I could ever communitcate in any way.

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. - Jimmy Buffett

This Man Dan

Today I met a man I met long ago. I can't say I knew the man, what makes him tick, what his favorite color is, but I remembered his kind face- and he mine. I contemplated on saying anything to him as long nights with copious amounts of liqour have long drowned memories of people once known. I never slept with his man- or was even attracted to him physically, but this his light was contagious and familiar. I always find it interesting when we cross the paths of old friends. When after a few words exchanged we feel as if we had always known each other. How does that work? This man, sadly, will probably never be a dear friend of mine, but instead an alli and a kind face I can store in my memory when my heart feels lost for familar faces.

My Friends Rock

Thank you for making this my favorite birthday yet! For the celebration of the next year of my life, you have made me feel special and loved. Thank you all.

I claim this guy to be on my team.

Promised Pictures

As promised, here are a few of my favorite pictures from Linda and MO's Great Alaskan Adventure.


1) Mom with the guys on the Pacific Glider in Seward. Clint, Mike, Mom, and Buzz









2) The beauties at dinner at Manrique's. Jude, Mom and Denise.














3) Self op on the way home from Homer.

Ode to Ben

Blonde Ben,
Your picture says it all.
Your smile would brighten a room.
Your thoughfulness would melt any heart.

What was it that haunted to you?
What were you hiding beneath the liqour encased conversations?
Who left you alone with that smile?

Life is unforgiving and it left you.
I wonder how your after-death experience is treating you?
Did you wake up alone with a hangover?
Were you shocked into the depths of darkness?

Your void is felt. You were an important piece of this puzzle.
What will your legacy be?
What have you left for us to learn?

What you have left for us to remember
is a person with a heart of gold, a body of hugs,
a face with smiles and kind eyes,
a way of life that touched people enough
to always remember what good there was in this this world.

Rest in Peace, good buddy. You are deeply missed already.

What's This Life For?

There is a fair amount of intensely moving energy surrounding me this past week. Mom's visit to Alaska was met with sheer anxiety, hope, desperation, and love. This was the first time I got to show her, one person I desperately want to satisfy, what my new life in The Last Frontier is like. I wanted wallow in her virgin eyes of this land, and show her the most flooring parts. I wanted to show off my amazing group of friends, and the generosity of the people here. I wanted to her to go back to Iowa and report back to my family how great I was: perhaps boast for me- yes, Alaska really is that beautiful and expensive and engaging. Yes, it's cold. Yes, she is doing great. I think my expectations were so high for what I wanted to impress upon my mother, that I may have lost sight of why I really wanted to see my mom. I miss her and I miss the Midwest. Now that she is gone and the experience is a memory, I wonder why I didn't cherish this time with her most for me.

I know myself well enough to understand when I am not acting like myself. I felt like I spent a lot of the last week building myself back up with bricks that I have worked so hard in the last two years to tear down. I know that this is because my mind is going back to the relationship I last had with my mother where I was a very different person with impermeable walls. And I realize now that I wasn't myself because I was scared to show her the rawness of me. Scared to show her how different I am than I have ever been in my lifetime. Scared to face her as a woman and not a child.

One thing about family that is haunting is that they have seen every stage of your life- and can recall stages that maybe you even can not. I guess in every family that bit of that information can be scary or relieving. Looking back, I think my family has seen my worst stages more than the true person I am. Why?



Friday morning I got the phone call no one wants. Trauma in Iowa has brought news to Alaska of the death of a friend who died very, very suddenly at the age of 22. The phone call you never want when you live in a different region of the world that slaps you back into the reality of life. How random and unforgiving life is. How sudden something in an instant can change life so dramatically- so thoughtlessly. As my eyes are welling up while driving to work, I felt the world change. I felt a piece of the warmth and wholeness and goodness of this world disappear. I felt the world lose a good soul, and I saw for a split instant the skeleton of who we are in this place.

Times like these, amongst the goods, make it the most difficult to live here. Many may believe it is the elements, or the wildlife, or whatever- but for me the hardest thing about living here is recognizing that life is still happening everywhere else- and it's happening without me. Marriage, babies, death, anniversaries, birthdays- the life milestones of my people that bring humans together to remember why we really are here. Death in itself is a celebration, another milestone, and the gateway to yet another journey. Perhaps. Tradegy makes us human and can force us to face obstacles that are otherwise easy to dismiss and shelve. Tradegy throws life into our face daring us to live it- and wisely.



Wrapped around all this sort of inner confusion and persecution have been the strong arms of my Pooh. It feels good to know I can get through these troughs of life by myself, but it feels better when someone is holding my hand. Love is a funny thing and as my ultra-wise girlfriend mentioned today, there is an easy love and a committal love. Frightening words. When I thought more than anything that is the last thing I want, I am facing it with a huge-ass smile- and it feels so good.




Love, Death, Humility.

Is this what life is for?

The Dentist

Today was the worst day to visit The Dentist. By now, I am used to sitting in the straight chair with a plastic head cap, on my back with my mouth pried open for hours. I am used to the jutting of the jaws, the unexpected, intense bursts of air, the high squeal of drill spraying enamel throughout my mouth. But today was just not the day.

I have to admit that even while I am sitting patiently in a chair, a baby bib on my chest, legs crossed with a good book for 45 minutes, I still am thinking this is better than being in my stuffy office with stuffy people. For that I am grateful. My dentist is great, a friend referred by a friend sort of thing. He can't be sweeter, allowing me not to pay my lousy $50 a month for the eight months of work he has done so far. Half my mouth has actually been restored to looking like natural teeth, instead of telling all my secrets with metal fillings. He is great, and the assistant that used to be assigned to me was great. But she has recently been replaced with a new dental hygienist, Rosa.

Rosa is a nice enough lady, but she is not very sensitive. I have to chalk it up to her Spanish background. It isn't like she was born in America and learned from the beginning to dance carefully around things. Instead, she treats my mouth like a bean bag, clashing that long metal object against my teeth. (Easy lady, I know they're not pretty, but they work for me!)

The doctor arrives and I watch as the hygienist and he do a little dance around my chair in the small room. Finally, they find my ex-rays (filed under O', which apparently goes to the end of the "O"s in the filing system), and begin administering the novocaine. This seems to take longer than usual, and finally Dr. pulls out the needle and mentions something about not wanting to hit a vein and numb my entire body. Good call, doc. Let's try again.

Twenty minutes later the entire right side of my face has swelled up like a blowfish, and they begin with the tools. "If you feel anything at all, let me know immediately," he says as three fingers are shoved in my throat, holding four different objects. I try to gesture like I understand. It doesn't take long before I have to give into the sawing off of enamel, apparent that more drugs were needed. Another dose of novocaine does the trick.

At this time, I have sat in this chair six times before thinking I needed a stress ball to save my hands from clenching together. Today, I finally mentioned this to him. Apparently, I'm not keeping things to myself anymore. "My, what balls you have grown lately," my conscience says to my brain. Well, he thought it was a good idea.


Anyway, I impressed myself during the sawing and drilling bit by recalling each name of the tools they were placing in my mouth and the function it was used for. I was impressed as I recognized the calls:

explorer, please
the pick?
scraper-
suction (large and small) aka: air!
water

(funny, I know there are more...)

Like I mentioned, I visit the dentist about as much as most people should see a therapist. I feel like we have become friends. In fact, I've already added him to the Christmas list. But today, I just wasn't up for being a dental champ, contortioned into various uncomfortable positions, with numerous metal objects hanging out at the same time, jamming about my bite. I really could have gone without my mouth getting needled and assaulted for two hours, and I certainly didn't need the brain numb so early in the morning.

I spent the time with my eyes closed, feeling like a construction zone is happening between my teeth. I think of things like good food, reflect on memories the music has spurred, recall recent sensual experiences, and am immediately pulled back into life with a deafening, rocky, insect sound.

Finally, the mouth bridge is taken out and my jaw is allowed to relax. The doctor gently rubs the joints in my jaw with his condom smelling latex gloves and pats my cheek. Today he was distracted by loosing his dog and forgets to even tell me what the next procedure is or good-bye. All I am left with is Rosa telling me not to move because all the blood needs to rush back through my body and handing me a Q-tip with massive amounts of baby powdered vaseline to apply to my lips. I can only feel the left corner, so I as I apply I hope I am not spreading it all over my face.

I am guided to the front desk, where I feel interrogated about what just happened, when the next appointment is, and how much can I pay? Actually, they don't ask me this anymore, as I think they feel sorry for me as my puppy-dog eyes float across the partition while I proudly ask for a bill to be sent.

As I leave, I am thankful that even in a town a million miles away from people who really know me, there are still people who really care, no matter how much it hurts.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

It's been a long time since we last saw each other. How are you? I've been thinking alot about you lately. Last night I had a dream that I wanted to see you, was even searching to glimpe your face, but could only get close enough to see the back of your head. When you turned around, you molded into another person I didn't know. I looked at you in wonder, and as I turned around confused about my heart, I realized we have finally separated.

Nonetheless, I needed to say one more thing. Nothing is fair in love and war. I feel like I am stirring cobwebs.

All's Fair In Love and War

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." While Newton was talking about mathmatics, I'm sure his influence was not without attention to the pychological forshadowing of the same proportion. In love in war, all, and nothing is fair.

Throughout this life, every person is challenged to put out the fires of love and war, sometimes winning and sometimes shamelessly loosing. But without the latter, no exuberance could be reaped by the former. However, loosing is still hard to do, especially if it feels like you've been doing it alot. No matter how many times it happens, it does not make it any easier. Sometimes, after loosing so much, you realize maybe you should stop trying to win so hard, and just play the game yourself. Amazingly, you begin to win here, and champion the nature of whatever game it is you have seen both sides. And is that when you realize that particular game is not for you?

Games of love and war create balance. Within games lie strategies, assumptions, a gamble. How can I beat the opposition, how can I overcome the rules? How can I advance to the next game?