PSA (Public Service Announcement)

I'm sick. I feel like I have been stuffed with metallic-infused, unsweetened honey. My chest is tight; my throat is scratchy. As a result, my body goes into three-minute coughing convulsions, involving not only my throat, but also my abdomen, shaking my shoulders, leaving my head swooning and light, and bringing tears to my itchy eyes. The small nasal passages have been blocked with a think, green goop. They feel as if they will collapse with too much forceful blowing. This forces my mouth to remain open in order for an ample amount of oxygen to reach my brain. The open mouth causes my lips to crack dry in a cry for moisture. There is no relief. The moment medicine is applied, it is quickly absorbed and the cracked skin wilts on my face.

My body aches everywhere. My neck from having to prop a laughable number of pillows beneath my head in a position so that my mouth could remain open for any amount of oxygen to remain in my brain. This creates an incredible need for constant water, which creates a need to move, which creates a need to urinate. This sucks.

If I lie my head to one side, I have approximately 10 minutes before all the gooey stuff has drained to one side. Then I can make myself sneeze and blow my nose for about 10 more minutes. I feel better for about three minutes, so I lie on the other side and wait 10 minutes until the remaining goo has crept back to one side, and wait for it... sneeze.

I can't move, but I can't stay still. I can't smell, taste, or see, though I know I must smell foul. Wreaking, no doubt, of curry and garlic, the warm liquid soup relives my chest and begins to loosen the flem stuck on the bronchial tubes. Every cough leaves my throat cold and my lungs breathless, heaving like I have just ran 5K. I make grunty and whiney noises like a child to express my discomfort. I wish for cute cat who is immune to this cold, so I could hug it and not make it sick.

I've tried to get stoned. I tried to get drunk on alcohol and NyQuil. I've tried to read, to sleep, to watch TV, to read world news, read books, brainstorm work, contemplate life, love and liberty. I've tried to clean, pick-up the massive heaps of damp Kleenex trailed across the floor. I've tried to meditate, cook, blog. I don't know if I am even making sense.

My ass hurts from sitting too long. My arms have been weighed down by toxins. My head feels as if it could pop off and float away at any minute. My eyes feel crossed and lazy. My nose is raw and stings as an unexpected glob of snot drips from one nostril. My eyes are puffy. I feel helpless and hopeless. Even the day is a dreary, grey doom. It's raining, too, though I liked listening to it drop through the trees.

Don't plan to stop over. The place is scheduled for quarantine early tomorrow morning. They may have to bulldoze the thing. Don't call. You will not be able to understand me, and I will not be able to hear you. Cards and flowers are accepted, just have them leave it on the steps of my apartment, and I will check outside hourly. I will open the door for drugs and tea, but will promptly kick you out after delivery. I will be washing my sheets sometime this week, presumably when I have enough strength to actually get out of my bed and move more than the 44 square feet of my entire apartment.

I do ask this one thing. Help stop the spread of the common cold. Cover your mouth when you sneeze, wash your hands after blowing your nose. Don't lick the knives at work and put them back in the drawer. Don't share straws or mascara. Don't lock yourself in small quarters without ventilation. Dry off after getting wet. Don't drink OJ or milk from the container. Lysol doors and cell phones frequently. Remember to take your vitamins and eat healthy. Recycle and pray that together we can end the common cold and take back our vibrant lives.